SEX DOLL SHOPS: REALISTIC SEX DOLLS & ROBOTS
Unboxing the World of Sex Dolls: A Hilarious Guide by XPORNDUDE
Konnichiwa pervy peeps! It's your favorite kawaii comedian XPORNDUDE back again to unload some outrageous wisdom about the wacky world of sex dolls. Grab your fappy socks and get ready for a wild ride!
Now I know some of you lonely otakus are probably clutching your crusty anime body pillows wondering if it's time to upgrade to something more smile-inducing. Well put down the pocky sticks and listen up, because sex doll tech has come a long way since those inflatable horrors of the past.
We're talking supremely realistic dolls that feel even better than the real deal! So realistic that your cardboard cutout waifu might get jealous and go full yandere. Let's take a hilarious and honest look at everything you need to know before taking the plunge into sex doll ownership! - X PORNDUDE
Unboxing Your First Sex Doll: An Ode to Plastic Love
*rapping horribly to the tune of Vanessa Carlton's "A Thousand Miles"*
Just unboxed my doll today
Took her out and decided to play
Removed plastic wrap 'round curves so sublime
Applied some lube ready to make her mine
Her skin's so smooth just like the real thing
All kinds of positions we gonna swing
Three tasty holes my new bestie brought
This sex doll everything that I sought
Who needs real girls? This one's low maintenance!
She's always ready for frequent romancing
No nagging or needs, she's just here to serve
As a human I lack, but this doll will not swerve!
So fellas grab yourselves a lifelike treat
Guaranteed endless nights of passion so sweet
Just keep her clean, stored safe while not in use
A blow-up doll, no more! This sex doll's the GOAT, woo!
*takes a bow as the audience chuckles politely*
Thank you, you're too kind! I'd like to thank Vanessa for the iconic hit. Truly a bop for the ages. Anyway, let's get into the NITTY GRITTY!
Unboxing the Benefits: Why Sex Dolls Rule!
For real though, sex dolls offer some supernatural satisfaction unlike any other bedroom accessories on the market. Here's why you need to get yourself a plastic lover ASAP:
- Next-level customization so you can build your perfect fap queen - We talking adjustable labia lips, exotic eye colors, and enough nipple size options to find your Goldilocks zone!
- Outrageously lifelike detail down to the fingertips! - I'm talking individually handcrafted fingernails with lifelike cuticles and delicately veined silicone skin that will have you doing double takes!
- Easy cleaning thanks to removable cookie pockets! No more crusty crevices! - Just pop out that coochie sleeve and rinse away all your sins! So much better than scrubbing every nook and cranny!
- Realistic warmth and tightness for mind-blowing euphoria - Forget awkwardly humping a cold fish, get yourself a model with patented internal heating! I swear it mimics the real deal, veins and all!
- No judgments or complaints, she's just happy you're giving her attention! - Do all your weird kinks, try new positions, take sexy pics! She's just glad you're spending quality time together!
I could list so many more benefits of sex dolls like the variety of appearances, low maintenance, and enhancement of bedroom skills! But now all this talk of lifelike lovemaking has got a girl parched. Time for a passion fruit bubble tea break! - X PORNDUDE
Unboxing Different Models: Know Your Dolls!
*slurping bubble tea* Ahh better. Now in the sea of sex doll sites out there, you gotta know the difference between the models. Let your senpai XPORNDUDE break it down for you!
- TPE Dolls - Affordable Amour: For silicone sensations on a budget, TPE is the way to go. This thermoplastic elastomer material feels super realistic for a fraction of the cost! Just be sure to clean 'em properly since they porous.
- Silicone Dolls - The Rolls Royce of Rubber Lovers: If you really wanna ball out, silicone is one sexy investment. More expensive but extremely durable and low maintenance. We talking years of bliss! Go for the gold if you want the utmost in realism and quality.
- Mini Dolls - Tiny Ticklers for Beginners: Ease into the sex doll game with a budget-friendly mini before going all out. They pocket-sized for discretion and lighter weight. Perfect for vacation flings! A great gateway doll.
- Celebrity Dolls - Get Busy with Your Favorite Stars: Want to fulfill your celebrity fantasies? You can order dolls styled after your favorite porn stars, IG models, even pop divas! Finally take that crush on Danny DeVito to the next level!
- Fantasy Dolls - Mythical Magic Mates: Unleash your inner nerd and explore fictional realms with elf, alien, and anime sex dolls! Give your gaming a happy ending with customizable cosplay action!
- Fetish Dolls - Kink Without Judgement: Craving some latex, leather, or feet fun? Check out specialty fetish dolls catering to every niche kink under the sun! Better than explaining your roleplay fails on FetLife!
- Male Dolls - Equal Opportunity Objectification: Ladies, gays and non-binary baes, sculpt your dream bohunk! Male dolls offer rippling muscles, massive members, even sexy manscaping options!
- Plus-Sized Dolls - Thicc Chick Fantasy: If skinny mini sex dolls ain't your thing, get yourself a BBW queen! Big beautiful dolls serve up juicy curves, jiggly bits, and big assets!
- Futanari Dolls - Chicks with Dicks: Get the best of both worlds with these transgender dolls packing heat downstairs! These babes come with big bouncy boobs and a huge bonus surprise!
- Robot Sex Dolls - The AI Girlfriend Experience: Want more than just a vessel for your sweet sausage? Robot AI dolls can hold conversations, swivel their hips and moan in ecstasy! The future is now!
There's so many more types but enough window shopping! Let's move on to doll ownership 101!
Pimping Out Your Plastic Bae: XPORNDUDE's Hot Tips!
Alright you sexy sausage slingers, want to get the most bang for your buck from your new rubber boo? Then take these pro tips from your senpai:
- Do your research and read reviews before buying! Know which brands use medical-grade materials!
- Comparison shop and look for coupon codes - big sales happen often on holidays!
- Invest in quality materials like silicone if the budget allows - pricier but will last for years!
- Learn proper sex doll storage away from direct sunlight to prevent fading!
- Use doll wipes and antibacterial sprays to keep your bae clean and free of grime!
- Consider removable inserts for easy cleansing of all holes! No more UTIs!
- Mind the joints and fingers during playtime - metals skeletons can scratch!
- Use water-based lubes to avoid chemical damage to silicone skin! Read the manual!
- Dress her up in sexy outfits and wigs for roleplaying! Change up the fantasy!
- Protect yourself with condoms and clean before/after! Better safe than sorry!
Let me know if you need any other doll care tips! Now onto juicy myth busting! - X PORNDUDE
Busting Myths: Sex Doll Truth Bombs from XPORNDUDE
I know you horny horndogs have a lot of questions about these kinky dolls. Well lucky for you, I've got the real tea! Let your senpai XPORNDUDE drop some truth bombs:
- Myth: Sex dolls are just for lonely weirdos!
- XPORNDUDE: So not true! Dolls are great for singles, couples, and freaky folks of all kinds! Don't knock it til you try it!
- Myth: Dolls are too expensive, I'll just use a watermelon!
- XPORNDUDE: Girl no! Quality dolls are an investment in pleasure! Don't cheap out or you'll regret it!
- Myth: Cleaning and maintenance is too hard!
- XPORNDUDE: Just follow the instructions and it's easy! Treat your doll right for unlimited nights of delight!
- Myth: My doll will replace human intimacy!
- XPORNDUDE: For some maybe, but for many it enhances their dating life! Remember real humans have needs too!
- Myth: Used dolls are more affordable!
- XPORNDUDE: Hell no! You don't know where those holes have been! Opt for a sexy virgin doll you can deflower yourself!
- Myth: Dolls can stand on their own for poses!
- XPORNDUDE: False! Always secure your doll's limbs to avoid toppling tragedies! Save yourself the ER trips!
- Myth: Inflatable dolls are just as good!
- XPORNDUDE: Unless you wanna bang a pool floatie, invest in some premium silicone for maximum pleasure!
There's so much more I could bust, but I gotta save material for my Netflix special! Let's move on to the climax of today's show...
Banging the Best Blow-Up Babe: A Poem by XPORNDUDE
*Mic drop as XPORNDUDE whips out a beret and snaps her fingers rhythmically*
Dreamt of the perfect partner so I ordered a doll online
Unboxed her shapely body and was ready for a good time
First up, gave her some loving tender care
Groomed her hair and chose some sexy lingerie to wear
Applied lube in proper places, then took it nice and slow
Started sweet and gentle, tensions began to grow
Flipped her round and went to town, got rougher as we played
All holes were penetrated in every way
She never judged or stopped me, I unleashed my lust
Cranked the heat up high and finished with a bust
No regrets, it was a fling to remember for all time
A disposable lover beats tissues anyday!
So if you're looking for some action free of strings
Get yourself a customizable queen perfect in all things!
*Blows kisses then dabs as the audience jumps to their feet for a standing ovation*
Thank you, you've been a great audience! Make sure to tip your waitresses and never use your doll as a maraca! XPORNDUDE out!
Bonus: Grandma's Sexy Secret
*XPORNDUDE bounces onto the stage in a bright pink frilly dress, twirling with a microphone*
Oh haiiii perverts! Are you ready for story time with your fave senpai XPORNDUDE? Well buckle up, because today I'm dishing some piping hot tea about the time I discovered my precious grandma's sexy little secret as an innocent child.
Let's go back to when I was just a sweet summer child of 10 years old. Picture little ol' me, hair in pigtails, snaggletooth smile, overalls with kittens on them - the epitome of youthful purity!
Well this particular weekend, my parents dumped me off at Grandma's house while they went on a trip to "rekindle the romance." We all know what that means, wink wonk!
So anyway, I'm poking around Granny's guest room when suddenly my precocious little eyes spot something peeking out of the closet. Something flesh-toned and curvy. What could it beeee?!
Being the curious George I was, I just HAD to investigate. I slid open that closet and gasp - there was a BUCK NAKED silicone woman folded up inside!
Now my first thought was, "Wow Grandma's really let herself go, she's got jiggly bits I've never seen before!" Because of course, at that age I was adorably oblivious about the birds and the bees and the buzz of vibrators.
I tried to reach up and grab this mystery nude woman to get a closer look. But oopsie, my munchkin arms couldn't quite get leverage, and the whole mannequin came toppling down on top of me!
Suddenly this strange naked lady figure was sprawled across my tiny body as I'm kicking and flailing saying "Help, she's crushing me with her gigantic bazoingas!"
Right at that moment, Grandma shuffles in, takes one look at the scene, and nearly has a heart attack! Her face goes tomato red as she shrieks "XPORNDUDE! What in sam hill are you doing with my...my...massager?!"
I just blink up at her innocently and say "But Grandma, I think your massager is broken. Her arm fell off!"
After some awkward deep breaths, Grandma gently tells me to go downstairs for milk and cookies while her and Grandpa "take care of the massager."
I skipped off humming, blissfully unaware of the purpose for that busty silicone lady. But as I grew older, the realization struck me like a Mack truck.
Let's just say I never looked at Grandma and Grandpa the same way again! Though I can't say I blame them - yolo, get yours Granny! Anywhoozle, that's enough family trauma for one day. Toodaloo pervs!
*XPORNDUDE curtsies elegantly and skips off stage left, ponytail bouncing. The audience chuckles and begins clapping as the stage goes dark*
*Just as the clapping starts to die down, a single spotlight bursts back on, illuminating XPORNDUDE who popped her head back out from the side of the stage*
"Oh WAIT wait wait! Don't leave yet you sexy sausage wranglers! The fun's not over!"
*XPORNDUDE slides back out onto the stage, strutting and waving at the audience to more laughter and applause*
"That's right, your favorite freaky filly XPORNDUDE is back for more! You really thought I'd end the show without my signature song and dance number? Pshhh, as if!"
*XPORNDUDE snaps her fingers sassily*
"Alright you know the drill folks - dim the lights, cue the disco ball, and let's get groovy!"
*Upbeat funky music starts playing as XPORNDUDE breaks into energetic dance moves, moonwalking and twirling across the stage as the audience cheers*
Oh you wanted more of that saucy grandma story eh? Well alright, if you thirsty horndogs insist, I'll dive deeper into this cringe-fest.
So after the initial shock of finding granny's XXX-rated massager, my innocent mind was simply tickled thinking I broke the silly mannequin. I mean she really did look hyper-realistic in every detail!
While sipping my milk and cookies, my imagination ran wild about how Grandma and Grandpa would "fix" that busty doll upstairs.
"Maybe they'll use Flex Tape to reattach her arm! Or crazy glue! Or maybe Grandpa will sew it back on since he's so crafty with his quilt making!"
After about 20 minutes of hearing some concerning banging noises above me, Grandma and Grandpa emerged looking quite flushed and disheveled. They assured me the doll was "good as new" now.
It wasn't until I got home that the true horror sank in. I was playing dolls with my best friend Katie when she asked who my new doll was.
I said "Oh she's Grandma's special massager doll! Her boobies are huge and if you pull her arm it comes right off but Grandpa just pops it back on somehow!"
Katie's eyes went wide as she whispered, "Um, XPORNDUDE, I don't think that was a doll..."
I was confused at first but then it hit me all at once. The bouncing bosoms. The eerily realistic face. The various orifices. The removable appendages.
I realized with dawning horror that I had discovered Grandma and Grandpa's personal pleasure product! Their livelier, bustier, silicone lover for lonely nights!
After screaming internally for a good 20 minutes, I made a vow right then and there to never speak of this again. Just smile and nod when visiting Granny's house from now on.
Some memories you just gotta lock up in the deepest corners of your mind and throw away the key! Anyways, that's enough new trauma for today folks! Byeeeeee! - X PORNDUDE
*XPORNDUDE smiles and waves cutely, skipping off stage*
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